Archive for May, 2009

It’s all about Him!
May 12, 2009

This past week, the Lord has been showing me some hard stuff about myself. Things like,”you don’t live for me, you live for yourself, you don’t want my will, you want your own, you are self-absorbed, and selfish. Your focus is inward and not outward like it should be.” No this is not condemnation, this is true conviction from my loving Father God. He is telling me it’s time to grow up in Him, to realize I’m here for Him, and not the other way around. He has been speaking to me through some tough circumstances in my life, showing me the selfishness that’s in my heart. He has also been speaking to me through a GREAT book that I got for Mothers Day called “Crazy Love.” It calls us to have Crazy Love for Jesus. It is a call to walk away from mediocre “Christianity.” I personally want to live the abundant life God’s called me to. I nor will anyone else will find this abundant life if we are on the throne. It’s time for us to dethrone ourselves, and put Jesus back in His rightful place as King, not just of our world, but of our own lives. It boils down to one simple word-Obedience. When the Lord prompts us to go pray with the nurse at the Dr.’s office, or the Librarian at the library. Lets do it! When He tells us to tell that cashier at Walmart that He loves them, lets do it! When He tells us to put our fate in our husbands hands.( which is really putting it in God’s hands, Prov.21:1) lets do it! When He says He’s enough to make us complete and whole, lets believe Him! When we feel like screaming at the kids, lets speak kindly and gently to them. When He says forsake ALL for me, lets do it! Pleasing Him must be more important than pleasing ourselves or anyone else. Lets do it!

loss
May 6, 2009

In the past 4 days, I have experienced a loss I had hoped I’d never have to face. Honestly, one I never thought I’d be able to handle, the loss of a baby. Just 4 days ago, I learned that I was going to be a mommy AGAIN!!!! Baby #6 was on the way.! My heart was so full of joy, especially as we had decided about 2mths ago that it wasn’t yet God’s time to adopt.(although I trusted this was God’s will that we wait, I was still quite grieved over it.) I had initially had a faint positive test so I decided to take another test the next day to see if it would darken up a bit. To my dismay, instead of darkening up, it seemed to be lighter. The next couple days followed suit. Was this some cruel joke? I knew the first test was correct, my body was telling me so. Having been through 5 previous pregnancies, I was recognizing all the signs and symptoms. I went to the Dr. for a blood test on Mon, and my suspicions we’re confirmed . My baby was gone! I had experienced what is known as a chemical miscarriage. A VERY early miscarriage.  My heart was absolutely shattered!  However, God has made His strength perfect in my weakness. Although I am truly so disappointed, and my heart has ached, I feel the presence and peace of God. He is teaching me that in Him, I truly will find EVERYTHING I need regardless of my circumstances. He is teaching me to trust HIm to look to Him more and more. These are the words that He used from Oswald Chambers “my Utmost,”  to minister to me at about 3:30 Am Tuesday, when I couldn’t sleep..   “If Jesus ever gave us a command He could not enable us to fulfill, He would be a liar.”(such as be content, trust the Lord, rejoice always,etc,) “And if we make our inability a banner to obedience, it means we are telling God there is something He has not taken into account. Every element of self-reliance must be slain by the power of God. Complete weakness and dependence will always be the occasion for the Spirit of God to manifest His power.” I have far from arrived with these concepts, but God is doing a great work in me. Yet, I must let Him. I must cooperate every moment of every day!  Lord, help me trust you and praise you through the pain!
I love you my precious little one! I will NEVER forget you! I was honored to carry you even if only for days! I’ll see you in heaven my sweet little one!

mommy