“Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my savior. The sovereign Lord is my strength; He makes my feet like the feet of a deer, He enables me to tread on the heights.” Our God is SO faithful!
So much has happened in the last 7 months. It’s not been easy, thus the blog break. It’s been hard to write when going through such painful times. Since I ‘ve last written we’ve had 2 more miscarriages. Again, God is at work in the area of contentment. Sunday at church, He reminded me that He is to be all I look to for fulfillment, that if I never have another baby He will be enough. I don’t have to spend the rest of my days in misery and sorrow, though at times the tears will flow. I am to look to Him to be my all sufficient God, to be all He’s promised to be, to be my everything. I have 4 babies in heaven that I’ll spend eternity with. That’s 9 children in heaven! Our time here is so short comparibly speaking. I know my GOd is able to change my circumstances in the blink of an eye. He is able to give me another full term pregnancy. I have hope, but I will not look to that to be my answer, my healing. I’ll look to Him alone. It’s difficult to stay in this place, but if I’m to have His peace in my pain and His comfort for my sorrow, I must trust my God, and I will. He is absolutely sovereign over EVERY detail of my life. I could have no peace apart from that. He is bigger than anything! My broken heart, my body that seems to continually fail me in this way, my desire to have a mega family. His love is bigger! I look to Him!
We have celebrated 2 of my blessings b-days. Tiff is 14! and one of my littles, Rachel is 6! Hopefully, but no promises pics to come! I realize more than ever what a blessing each child is that God gives me. He can take away that ability at any time He chooses to bear a child. I must be faithful and enjoy these blessings He’s given me and treasure these fleeting days I have with them. My oldest will be 17 in just 3 months! Where does the time go? We have only such a short season to train them up and model Christ to them. Some verses that are on my heart. Job13:15 ” Though He slay me, yet will I hope in Him;” and Job 1:21b ‘ The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away: may the name of the Lord be praised.”
Philippians 3:12b-13 says, “I have LEARNED the secret of being content in any and every situation,” and, ” I can do ALL things THROUGH CHRIST who strengthens me.” This is my road to walk right now. Will I ever learn it? I want to just pass this test and move on. It takes a lot of prayer and cooperation on my part with the Holy Spirit.(lots of work!) In my life, when I’ve found myself discontent with my circumstances, something has become TOO important. It’s reached idol status. My heart is more concerned with having that thing than having God’s thing! Whatever He wants for me at the time. Right now, He wants me to trust He really does know best, and to realize my life is all about HIs desires verses mine. Yes, He see’s all my tears, every one. He loves me so much. If it would be good for me to have that heart’s desire, He’d grant it. He’s got bigger things than that He’s working on right now. He’s transforming my heart. He’s teaching me to say, “Lord if I never ever get to have another child, if I never adopt. It will be okay. You are enough for me. I’ll be grateful for the 5 blessings I have on earth, ( and the 2 I have in heaven,) and I’ll serve you fully with these and with my husband, and whatever else you give me to do.” Though I say it through tears, I say it. I pray God keeps me here. I cry out to God in my brokenness and with my emptiness. Fill me up with yourself. May I live up to the name God has given me. “Joyful Spirit.” He is doing it! He’ll continue to do it in me! He is good. He is loving. He is mighty. He is able.
My Jeremiah turned 16 on Valentines day. Wow, how time flies! We had a family party, and a party with friends. He is SO blessed to have so many that love and support him. He has great friends. God is good! My baby boy got his license yesterday! He’ll be starting a job possibly within a week. I want him to stay 15, so I can keep him close to home, however I know this isn’t God’s plan. He’s such a blessing in SO many ways. He is my right hand man. He has a servants heart, and a heart of gold. I love you Jeremiah!
God so graciously answered my prayer for a natural miscarriage. I felt He said, “wait.” It looked as if I’d missed Him, as today was the deadline for allowing this to all happen on it’s own according to my Dr. whom I love and trust. I went in for another sonar for reassurance, and found that God had already taken care of all of this without me even knowing. He is good. He is faithful even in life’s difficulties. He DOES hear our prayers. He is the God who sees. He is the God who answers. He is the God who knows what’s best for me. Lord, help me trust you more. Help me love you more. Fill me up with yourself!
2 Corinthians5:17 says, “If any man be in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!”
I like many of you have some New Years resolutions. I want to be a more respectful and loving wife this year. I want to spend more time enjoying the 5 blessings God has given me in my children instead of so much time focusing on that 6th child I so long for. I want to stay on my schedule more, get more accomplished in a day. I want to be more obedient to the Lord, especially in being a more bold witness for Him. I want to spend more time in prayer each day. I want our family to serve more together, be more outward focused and less inward. Philippians 4:19 say’s, “I CAN do ALL things THROUGH CHRIST who gives me strength.” If it’s in His will, I can do it! When I fail, He’s there to forgive. I am SO thankful for His unconditional love for me, his daughter. It’s there for you too!
A little over 2 wks. ago, we found out we we’re expecting again. I was VERY excited, yet a little anxious as well, maybe a little more so b/c of the early miscarriage we suffered back in May. Because of me having a previous miscarriage, the Dr. was watching me VERY carefully. I was going in to have my hcg levels checked every other day, to see if they we’re doubling as they we’re supposed to. All was going well when they compared my levels the day before Christmas Eve. However, when I went back after Christmas they we’re not nearly as high as they should have been. In the past week, it has become clear that this pregnancy too would end in miscarriage, apart from a miracle from God. God has given me great peace, not that I don’t have my moments mind you. He’s teaching me to trust Him more than ever, to believe Him, even when it looks as if His promises won’t be fulfilled, to worship Him alone, and realize that He is enough. I want to honor Him in my response to all of this and to bring Him glory. I want to trust Him with ALL my heart. I will not deny the pain that this has brought me. It is real! It hurts! It’s so great to know that life is truly in the hands of God. I can trust His heart when I cannot see HIs hand. I am still awaiting closure with all of this, waiting to miscarry.” God is teaching me that truly His grace is sufficient, and His power is made perfect in my weakness.”
“The Lord giveth and the Lord taketh away, blessed be the name of the Lord.”
A promise He’s given me:
“I WILL turn their mourning into gladness; I WILL give them comfort and joy instead of sorrow.”
Kevin does something creative and special for me every yr. for Christmas from the kids. The first yr. it was a dvd with the kids pics to the song, “Don’t give up.” Last yr. he made a book titled, “The Smallones,” with the kids pics, and this yr, Kevin decorated a wall in my living room with a beautiful frame that had the kids pics, along with 4 scripture plaques surrounding. It was just beautiful! The picture does not do it justice. I also got a worship dvd,” Created to he His Helpmeet,” by Debi Pearl and the companion journal. BTW, this is an awesome book that is much needed in the church today. It will step all over your pretty little toes, but it is truth! And obedience brings blessing! I tried to put more focus with the kids this yr. on Christmas being Jesus b-day vs. when we get presents. Before we opened 1 gift, we read the Christmas story of the birth of Christ. We also started another new tradition. We opened gifts from youngest to oldest. This required much patience for the older kids, but they did great. I think everyone enjoyed watching every body else get their gifts, instead of just thinking about what they got. I hope to do more next yr. to put more of Christ in Christmas. I think we really miss the boat on that! Christmas to me is that Jesus came to be with us in all of life’s circumstances, whether joyful or sorrowful. He came and lived a life like us, so He understands all we go through, and one of these days we’ll be out of here, and enjoying being in His presence forever and ever. No more sorrow or pain. I look forward to that day!
My little Rachel turned 5 on December 11th. She is sweet and spunky. She tends to be extreme, whatever she’s feeling at the moment. If she’s happy, she’s REALLY happy, if she’s mad, she’s REALLY mad, If she’s sweet, she’s REALLY sweet. God and I are working on some of these extremes with little Rachel. I am SO thankful for Rachel. She IS a blessing. She came after a VERY LONG wait. There we’re 41/2 yrs. between Dani and her, so I was just busting for another. God was SO gracious to give me Rachel. I DID NOT wait patiently as He would’ve wanted, but He blessed me anyway. God is SO good. He DOES discipline us when we are not obedient, but HE doesn’t treat us as our sins deserve. What a good and gracious God we serve! I love you Rachel Hope. You are the fulfillment of my hope for a 4th child!